I’m fine…sorry what was the question?

I have sat with a ‘new post’ page open in front of me for hours, literally.  All day I have thought how I need to sit down and just type.  But somehow it just wouldn’t come…fear of being depressive and whiny got in the way.  However, I promised this was a warts and all blog {and mainly I write it for me} so here it goes.

There are only so many times you can say ‘I’m fine’ until you swallow down the ‘how the fuck do you think I’m feeling’ response and say, once again, ‘I’m fine’.  But still your eyes well up and your heart screams out ‘No, I’m not ok.  I’m hurt and angry and disappointed and confused.’

You see there are a couple of things that have complicated the last few weeks…

My boss is pregnant…with triplets.  She is about 3 weeks ahead of where I should would have been.  We had been really excited about being pregnant together.  She is like my mum, given I live a mile or so* away from ‘home’.  This probably makes me jealous but I’m not.  Fortunately I haven’t come away from my miscarriage with a ‘fear’ of pregnant women and babies.  I couldn’t cope with triplets {sometimes I not sure I’d cope with a single child} and I would never chose for her to miscarry instead of me.  But recently, as everyone finds out about her pregnancy and gets excited about it {on the desk diagonally opposite mine, you know, right in my eye line} I feel like I have walked into a brick wall.  I can do the pregnancy bit with her, no forcing or faking – I am genuinely excited and happy for her.  But the cooing just gets me every.single.time.

{coping tip 1} make a playlist of upbeat songs you love, there shouldn’t be any you want to skip.  Make sure you have a fully charged phone and headphones at all times to block out the noise and avoid the wall

Why couldn’t I have been ok too?
Why couldn’t I be sitting here complaining that I can’t eat goats cheese and have bucketfuls of chilled vino?!

~~~~~

Added into the mix, somewhere along the line of January, I got dumped…by my bff.  And I don’t know why, I don’t understand it and I am hurt and angry and worried for her all at once.

Everything just feels so fragile, like so much is changing at once that you can’t centre.  Did you ever play dizzy dinosaurs as kids? I am ready to lie on the ground, let the world still and find my feet.

Some times being a friend means mastering the art of timing.
There is a time for silence.
A time to let go and allow people to
hurl themselves into their destiny.
And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.

Surely it has to be my turn for something wonderful and precious and kind and life affirming to happen?

I try to do the right thing.
Say the right thing.
Be the right person.

It has to be my turn soon, right?!